We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
