Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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