The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
