My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
