Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
