i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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