So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
