Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
It's shark week go big or go home
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
