I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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