my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
