I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
birth control should be required to get into college
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
