Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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