how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
organizing the empties. That sober.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
