Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
