I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
