we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
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Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
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I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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