Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He better not be in your backpack
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
