then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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