His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
