id be glad to
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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