do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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