Apparently you make a good broom.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
are you so shy because you have an std?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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