I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
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It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
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Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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