Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
