My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
