9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
