Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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