i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
