The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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