Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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