Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
