I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
