Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
