$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
