Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
im six kinds of drunk right now
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
