Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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