Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
whose parrot is this?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize