why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
