Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
