I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
