I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
