i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
