it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
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