new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i just google imaged poop.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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