1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
