I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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