My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
