ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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