oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
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NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
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Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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