Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
