Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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