Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
This house was built for laser tag.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
