I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
