I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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