I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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