remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
