Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
