He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
