Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I have fence marks all over my body
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
