Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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