is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
